It Hurts. So Much.

Thanks to you, I have been more reserved than I have ever been in my life.

Every thing that had gone wrong must have something to do with you.

If I wasn't thinking so much, I wouldn't have hot chocolate poured all over my white sweater.

If that dream wasn't that vivid, I wouldn't have been late for my class.

If it wasn't because of you, I wouldn't have face this hard, cold, gloomy night all by myself.

I am so angry at you. So angry at you letting everything slips away. So angry that you couldn't care less. So angry that I meant so little to you. 

I'm even more angry at myself. 

For letting myself fall for a hole that has always been there but was too naive to believe it was dug for me. 

I'm angry at myself that I had once again, trusted people so easily. 

I am angry that despite all the sacrifice I have made, it had all gone down the drain within moments.

I am angry that something I had worked so hard on is slipping away from me. Bits by bits.

I'm angry for letting myself hopes sail high every now and then, only to realise once the strong wind is gone, I'll fall in the hopeless piles of disappointment again.

I'm angry at myself for forgiving so quickly, each and everytime, after every lies and everytime you have hurt me.

I'm angry that even after all this, I still treasure every single bit of memories we once had. For what's left of it.

I am angry that after all this, I'm still grasping at the non-existence ties so tightly, fearing that once I let it go, then it's truly over.

I'm angry that even after everything is so obvious, I am still living in my world of denial. Giving every single excuse that I could muster. Masking the surface of truth to protect it from searing the gap in the hole of my heart.

I am angry for letting you block all the senses that I once had. All the feelings that I once had. All the thinking that I once do.

I am angry. At You. Because you are all I can think about. You numbed everything of me.

I wish I could say :

I wish I have never met you.

I wish I have never spoken to you.

I wish I had ignored the growing sparks.

I wish it had never happened.

But that wouldn't have been the truth. Because despite of everything. 

I never regretted anything.

Because thanks to you, I learn to never trust again.

Never play with fire, because you are expected to get every shred of your skin flayed off in the flames. 

Because that is exactly how you made me feel.